You could be tormented by the consequences of back-stabbing of a friend or a business partner. No matter what the actions or words were, it is necessary for you to look back on these actions. Your view should be vivid to be a real help. To be vivid and clear, you should be honest, assessing blame and fault where appropriate and fair. What role did other people have? What role did you play?
When you reflect on the past, your emotions literally can get the better of you. These emotions can be the obstructions to a clear view. You may become bitter, angry, shameful, or sad. You may even plan for vengeance. These emotions may be overwhelming and prevent you from properly managing these memories.
The first task is to forgive. In fact, the most productive action you can take toward your hurtful memories is to forgive the people involved for what they said and did. Until you forgive, you will not be able to overcome the event. Until you overcome and manage the past, the lies, treachery, and painful conduct will continue to control you. Why let lies, cheating, or back-stabbing by other people control you, leaving only bitterness or hate? Why let wrongful deeds and words fester and have any further influence in your life?
Forgiveness is not easy. It is counter-intuitive to accept. You will never forget the insults and lies that have hurt you. For example, if you are wrongfully fired from a job or if your spouse lies and cheats on you, seek to enforce your legal rights and resolve them in the court if need be. For your own sake, look at the act of forgiveness as doing something very special and meaningful for yourself, not necessarily just for others.
The act of forgiveness is a way to free yourself, not a form of “rolling over.” Forgiveness is a gift of liberation to yourself. If you forgive the people who hurt you, you can still hold them accountable. Their hurtful or intentionally wrong conduct is now their burden to bear.
You can move forward by having the courage and ability to not only endure what has been done to you, but also to tolerate the same. How can you tolerate infidelity, or lies, or all the other events in life which are the fodder for such pain and hurt? Being tolerant does not mean you agree or condone the words or actions.
Quite simply tolerance shows strength – strength of character and strength to perceive more than the disappointments of hurt and pain. Tolerance means that you are strong enough to know that you have to come to grips with the reality that “you cannot do more than the best you can do.” You can only control and be responsible for what you do and say. Anything else done to you is not within your control but can be endured and tolerated.
As you manage your past you’ll find that forgiveness is the most effective way to succeed. Meanwhile, the words and actions by people who have wronged you will still be accountable in the opinion of society, friends, and at times, the courts. Your forgiveness will disarm and defeat those who offended and hurt you.
The tool of forgiveness translates into being less judgmental. Grudges and ill will often develop, especially in immediate and extended families. Who said or did what to whom is lost or obscured by the passage of time. To work through hurtful memories in your family, try to be more open minded about your brother, sister, parents, or in-laws. Any increase in forgiveness and tolerance will likely result in you becoming less judgmental. In time, as your pre-judgment wanes, you’ll find new ways to bridge old and difficult relationships. You can put a stop to the revolving nature of family dysfunctions and feuds.
So long as you do not forgive, these memories will act as a “stone in your shoe.” By your conscious effort to forgive, you take an important first step in really managing your past. Once you start to forgive, you’ll feel free. When you look back on certain memories, they may still hurt, but you see them more clearly. You now control your past, and are not controlled by it.
Two Paths Diverge 